good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
