Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
