Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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