i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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