Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
