dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
