OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
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