youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
