As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
