Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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