My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
