OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
