please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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