U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I just gift wrapped bread.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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