My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Randomize
