Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
