Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Randomize
