I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
