New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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