fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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