4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
