apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
