I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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