just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
