thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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