You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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