My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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