our cab driver is having phone sex.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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