She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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