careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
