i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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