I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
