I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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