Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
