how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
