Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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