She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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