Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
