So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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