shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Dick very happy bro
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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