running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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