morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
