I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
