I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
