We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
This baby is an asshole
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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