When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
