doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
