So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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