In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
