The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
