Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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