I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I use my feet as sexual weapons
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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